Please bare with me as I have this work week to go and then I'm on Vacation! My first true vacation of the year and it's been a long 6-7 months and my brain has already left and is dreaming of the days to come making it really hard to concentrate on anything longer than 30 seconds.
So what will I be doing for my vacation? It's a Staycation so I'm not going anywhere. I have things to do at home taming my yard would be a good start and with Canada Day coming that week there's a BBQ to plan, things to paint because I'll be all crafty and my Motorcycle Skills Test that week as well it will be practice, practice, practice for me! So really it's a working vacation only I'm working on having fun!
I found videos on You Tube of the ICBC MST and of all of the ones I watched there was only one with a female rider, her test was damn near perfect and she passed the 15 min test in 5. She just knew what she was doing and I can only hope to be a fraction of what she was on hers.
And you know what...as simple as it looks, to me it's the most intimidating thing I've seen yet and have to make myself do. Self doubt is riding high right now despite the encouraging words of the people around me. As much as my brain is telling me that I'm doing ok, that I'm passing the steps in a functional manner, there's that tiny piece that is still asking me what I'm doing and telling me that it'll never happen because I'm too scared, that I'll never get to the point where I can accomplish what it is I want to do but I can handle that. I can handle the fear, I can handle the self doubt as long as I'm the one doing it then I won't be discouraged because I want this too much to listen to that voice belittling me in my head.
What I can't handle is doubt from anyone else, now don't get me wrong it's not that I care if anyone else doubts my ability to do things and not just this but in many other things. It's the little put downs or talking down to me that would typically make me angry wanting to push back and yet they stick in my head, needling at me, making me want to try harder to prove myself but for the wrong reasons.
Of course I want to prove it to my family and they have been the best as I take this journey from putting the bike in my face, encouraging me to get my license, putting up with my endless questions, shedding tears when you first saw me ride but I'm still my worst critic. So starting with this I've chosen not to let assholes get to me even if I'm the asshole. The ones that tell me "I'm just a girl." or tell me things just to placate me are not needed, you can either help me accomplish my goal or leave me alone.
I don't need to be built up to be torn down I just need you in my corner.
As usual though putting it out here always helps me focus ( even temporarily ) and put things into order ( a random order but still...) avoiding the chaos (briefly) so that everything moves smoothly ( hopefully not into a ditch or a tree ) as I go along. Once I get past my skills test the insanity will stop...for a while anyway because you know we've got to keep the gong show alive.
Ok enough of that, I guess I should get my brain back in the game not that there is ANY hope of that getting better as the week goes on!
Have a great week guys!