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Monday, July 11, 2016

I Don't Have Enough Words...

Well...this is going to be a hard one to write...

I don't even know where to start really...so I guess it's the beginning.

On Friday I worked half a day. So excited to get home early, the weather was sunny and it was an early beginning to my weekend.

Before I got home Choo had sent me a pic of my riding boots I ordered because with the looming postal strike/lock out about tho happen I was hoping I'd get them by the deadline and then it turned out that they were shipped by UPS and it wouldn't have mattered. I joked with him about him opening my package and stealing my fun.

Here's one of the hard parts...

Sese asked me to go to Starbucks with her so she could get her Very Berry Hibiscus whatever it is. Actually she didn't even ask I just went with her. As I'm walking down the street with her chatting away I saw a man walking towards us and I could feel that he was bad news. It rolled off of him in waves but he looked sketchy and I just wanted to get to Starbucks. As he walked by I heard him say "Fucking Nigger" now at first I didn't think I heard him right because although I'm no stranger to it it happens so little ( like once every 5 or so years ) that I wasn't quite sure I heard him right. I was pondering the thought when Sese's little face cut into my view...eyes wide and all she said was "Whoa!" She's 23 years old and I was embarrassed that my mere presence caused that for her. He doesn't know that I grew up in a white neighbourhood or that I don't even have black friends!

It confirmed what I heard and she was angry. I was fine, I said he was just ignorant and doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. I...was fine until I got into the coffee house and looked at her, angry and upset...for me. I didn't even realize until the words were out of my mouth how much it disturbed me, not because it was towards me but because she had witnessed it. First hand at her mother. I'm not a crier, anyone that knows me know s that but as I spoke tears welled in my eyes seeing her face and I said. "That's what you get from me. The part that's hated by assholes." She said "No, I've never experienced that." All I wanted after that was to go home. I didn't want to run into him again and have something worse happen so we walked the back way home.

I felt bad her...my kids having to see it. Normally I could let it go but I kept seeing her face. When I got home I told Choo what happened and he asked me if I knew what the guy looked like and of course I did. Without a word he was gone. I went downstairs to asked Bean if Allan was home forgetting that I was home early because I wanted him to make sure that Choo didn't do anything stupid and hopefully calm him down before he found the guy.

Well...that didn't go well either...Bean and T along with a couple others took off like rockets there was no stopping them and as they walked down the street going after their father I looked at Sese and said "Hey look, there goes my squad." Nervous jokes but she laughed. After everything that has been happening in the US this seems so very small. I didn't expect the uproar. My family took to FB posting their outrage and sadness and I posted nothing because he was an asshole and I was conflicted. I felt like having my genes, having a part of me failed them.
My kids are grown and this unfortunately is our world and I do rarely see it and when I do it's by people who have to scream at me while they're driving away. Bean told me that she has had racial slurs slung at her from black kids in school thinking she's wasn't black enough because my girls are half/half.

It was a stark reminder of a difference that I don't feel that I have.
Anyway long story short they found him, a bank got closed down because of a hot headed nephew and he was too scared to face them. So...how did I deal with that???

A bottle of Bourbon and I had a very close relationship for the rest of the night.

On to the second part of my awful emotional roller coaster.

My dog in my last post that was not eating. I decided that it was time to go to the vet. She would eat one day and not others, run some days and not so much the next ect. Lo said she would drive us so I grabbed California's leash and she lost her little mind she got so excited. Practically dragged me down the stairs and jumped into the car and off we went. She had lost alot of weight and I was surprised at the energy she had. Not as much as she usually did but much more than she had shown for a while. We got to the vet and she sniffed everything she could, choking herself pulling in all directions. We got into the room and I told the vet all about her inconsistent symptoms, the changes in her food because we were feeding her anything she wanted to eat just so that she would. the vet said she had lost muscle mass not just weight so we went over possible issues thanked me for all of the information and she sent Cali for Xrays and blood work.

The work took about 15 mins and Lo and I waited for the results in the waiting room. they brought Cali out to me and she curled up beside me. We watched animals come in and out, some making us laugh. At one point they even lit an Angel candle to signal that a dos was being put to sleep in another room. When they called us back into the room we could here the family next door sobbing and saying goodbye to their pet and I thought 'please don't let that be us'. when she came back in the vet said that there were 2 things we could do for her and the first option was euthanasia...and my heart stopped, I stopped breathing. The second option was an invasive treatment that would cause her more discomfort that she said flatly was not going to help and if she went to the emergency hospital she wouldn't come home. They didn't know what caused it and had no treatment for it. she showed us the x-rays and looked down at Cali shaking her head as Cal stood there tail sweeping from side to side.

She had an infection in her liver that made it swell to the point that it cut off her stomach and intestines. She said even if we brought her in at the beginning of her symptoms there would have been nothing they could do except put her down sooner. She said that considering the size of her liver that Cali should not have lived as long as she did, she shouldn't have been so bright with her tail wagging and interest in everything. She was confused and perplexed at how my dog walked in on her own 2 feet. We could take her home and bring her back in 2 days to be put to sleep or do it right away because the vet didn't even think with all the damage that she would have 2 days left. I couldn't take her home, I couldn't let her suffer one more day so I called the family together so they could say goodbye.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is so much more but I can't even tell you the rest because right now...at this moment... I can't see the screen though my tears.

The vet said she hung on for us...she hung on for me.

I have no more words...
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